Monday, June 16, 2008

COULROPHOBIA: The Fear of Not Being the Center of Attention

Let me get this straight... this woman absolutely HAS to confront her deep-rooted fear of clowns, especially on television, because otherwise she can't go to the circus?

When did that become so overly important?

Lots of people lead exceedingly full and productive lives without ever going to the circus; circus attendance is not now, nor has it ever been, mandatory anywhere on earth.

Get over yourself. It's not for everybody.

I like clowns and I like the circus but I don't care for, say, the music of Celine Dion. I don't claim to "fear" it. I just don't care for it.

I deal with that by not buying her CDs, attending her live performances or watching her on television. Occasionally, I hear her music on the radio. When I do I don't scream or run or wet myself. I change the channel. Sometimes I am exposed to her music in a supermarket or an elevator. When that happens I suffer through it and deal with it without anyone around me ever knowing, for one second, how I feel about Celine Dion or her music.

Life is not about supplying you with an endless parade comprised only of the things that you love the very most.

"But if I don't run screaming every time the theme from Titantic gets played at a wedding reception, how will I ever be the center of attention???"

The answer is "You do not constantly need to be the center of everyone's attention"! Most people over the age of three, are simply not that obnoxious, juvenile and/or needy.

So please explain to me why then is it so imperative, other than the chance to get herself on television, that she overcome this crippling clown-fear "affliction"? It can't be simply be because it hinders her ability to sit ringside and stuff her ample face with popcorn and cotton candy and gawk each year when the circus comes to East Mooseknuckle, Nowheresville?

(And can someone please explain to me why the producers felt the need to use the absolute crappiest yama clown imaginable to help her "conquer" her "fear"?)

I understand that it must be tremendously difficult for her, I mean she's so completely mature, settled and fully intellectually-developed in every other facet of her life. It's not like she's some grown woman who waddles around clutching a stuffed animal like a full-diapered toddler... oh, wait.

Be that as it may, she is definitely not just some needy, slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, attention whore. She truely suffers from a very real (and not imagined or fabricated) fear, just like these other folks who are definitely not exhibiting infantile behavior like this just to get a free trip to New York and their 15 minutes of perceived "fame"...

Please! Stop giggling! These people deserve our understanding, sympathy and need our help!

So remember, if anyone in your family or circle of friends ever display anything approaching these behaviors please show them how much you care by giving them a moment of your undivided attention and soundly slapping them, good and hard, right in the face before they get the idea that it's acceptable to go out in public and make an unqualified ass of yourself by pretending to "suffer" from an "illness".

It's time for you to do your part to once and for all pop this ridiculous pimple on the left butt cheek of our "Hey! Look-At-Me" culture.

We see you, OK?

Now knock it off.


Clownron said...

C'mon Pat... tell us how you REALLY feel.

BTW.. I had a deep rooted fear of powder socks until I was hit by 32 of them simultaniosly on my birthday one year. Maybe Coulrophobics should just picture the current administration in Washington in clown makeup... like actors picturing their audience naked to get over stage fright...just a thought.

Brian Foley said...

Your rants continue to be the most entertaining part of this brilliant blog...

Anonymous said...

holy crap what a rough room. I feel more sorry for the clown having to perform for this crowd!

Anonymous said...

I have a fear of birthday party clowns and clowns who can't even make their makeup look professional oh and big muzzles

Mark said...

Ocular Rectalosis - A condition whereby the optic nerve and the bowel nerves have become crossed, resulting in an unfortunate outlook on life.
This condition is peripherally related to coulrophobia and fortunately, both conditions are expeditiously remedied by swift application of a maneuver similar to that formerly known as the "heimlich maneuver".
Now, if the sufferer's ears are not excessively perpendicular to the skull, relief is almost immediate (loud “POP!” sound).
This will therapeutically expose the afflicted to oxygen and a different point of view without the aid of a flashlight.

Of course, old habits are hard to break.

David Carlyon said...

Pat, you can throw in the fact that this "illness" doesn't actually exist. Ask a doctor how many classes in med school covered it: Zero. Some kids are afraid of clowns but that's within the enormous range of things that have frightened children at times. (That includes fear of teachers, fear of spiders, fear of Aunt Flo, fear of people in uniform, fear of daytime talk-show hosts, etc.) But a guy with a grudge made up the whole illness-schtick, created the stupid word "coulrophobia" (I think it literally means "fear of jugglers" because he couldn't find a classic word for "clown"), and spread it on the Internet. Now it's perpetuated by lazy reporters and witless TV writers -- and idiot clowns who believe their job is to rush kids without any regard for a kid's comfort level.

Anonymous said...

I've always felt that it was clowns who suffered from the "Hey! Look at me!" virus. But unlike the folks pictured this morning, most all the clowns I've encounterd, once they have people looking at them, give those people something to make it worth their while to have looked. A subtle difference, I admit, but a healthy one, eh?

Bruce the Clown

GothamTomato said...

Whenever some tells me they are afraid of clowns, I always reply that there are some clowns you SHOULD be afraid of. The look on their faces is priceless.

BTW, this woman is obviously afraid of the wrong thing: She should be afraid of being a complete and utter moron. And I'm sure they could have easily gotten her to approach any clown by leaving a trail of Cheetos up to his feet.


Jack Ryan said...

Damn. I have decided I am afraid of myself.

Goodnight, Gracie.


Anonymous said...

i really do have fear of balloons...when one is popped i scream and its all cuz of my real dad...he was badly on drugs, and when i was about 9 mons old, my mom caught him popping balloons in front of my face and said he quit but i rememeber doin it up until i was about 5 years old. i tried telling my mom...then finally it all stopped but to this day, i scream when a balloon is brings me back to those horrible memories....