Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Happy 29th birthday wishes go out tonight to one of my very best friends, the best man at my wedding, Shane's godfather, and one of my favorite people in the whole wide world, Mr. Robert J. Hoitela.

Mr. Hoitela is pictured here, in his living room, being eaten alive by a angry pack of rabid dogs.


Anonymous said...

This is a letter I have planned on writing for some time, a letter that I think is extremely important and one that definitely must be heeded if we are to undo the damage caused by Mr. Robert J. Hoitela. The first thing I want to bring up is that there's something I've observed about Robert. Namely, he may not know how to spell "antiprestidigitation" but he sincerely knows how to weaken family ties. I've further observed that I can reword my point as follows. In legal terminology, Robert is guilty of suppressio veri or "concealment of truth". Although some grumpy curmudgeons reluctantly concede that his most recent declamations are irreverent, in bad taste, and inappropriate, they invariably deny that he motivates people to join his mysticism movement by using words like "humanity", "compassion", and "unity". This is a great deception. What Robert really wants to do is create a system of teetotalism characterized by confidential files, closed courts, gag orders, and statutory immunity. That's why all of Robert's excuses are local and personal and consequently gross and selfish. Yes, I could add that gruesome gauleiters in general, and Robert in particular, intend to force women to live by restrictive standards not applicable to men, but I wanted to keep my message simple and direct. I didn't want to distract you from the main thrust of my message, which is that if I were elected Ruler of the World, my first act of business would be to upbraid Robert for being so gloomy. I would further use my position to inform certain segments of the Earth's population that I have absolutely no idea why Robert makes such a big fuss over nativism. There are far more pressing issues that present themselves and that should be discussed, debated, and solved—issues such as war, famine, poverty, and homelessness. There is also the lesser issue that Robert has stated that war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. That's just pure charlatanism. Well, in Robert's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that in the immediate years ahead, Robert's beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) will degenerate into hotbeds of rumor and innuendo. I don't think anyone questions that. But did you know that he is the spawn of Satan?

On a more personal note, if we can understand what has caused the current plague of exploitative spouters, I believe that we can then provide an antidote to contemporary manifestations of evil faddism. Robert's yellow-bellied attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, Robert, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has no discernible talents. The only things Robert has clearly mastered are biological functions. Well, I suppose he's also good at convincing people that there should be publicly financed centers of exhibitionism, but my point is that for Robert's choleric plans to succeed, he needs to dumb down our society. An uninformed populace is easier to control and manipulate than an educated populace. By the end of the decade, schoolchildren will stop being required to learn the meanings of words like "counterdemonstration" and "dendrochronological". They will be incapable of comprehending that Robert's tractates are devoid of logic and filled to the brim with hate and misinformation. Of that I am certain because if the human race is to survive on this planet, we will have to deal with Robert appropriately.

I have begged Robert's vicegerents to step forth and deal summarily with ridiculous, wretched politicasters. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how Robert might retaliate? If I'm not mistaken, there's a painfully simple answer. It regards the way that Robert's goal is to reap a harvest of death. How noisome is that? How abusive? How mingy? Finally, any one of the points I made in this letter could be turned into a complete research paper, but the conclusion of each would be the same: The truth is not meant to be warm and fuzzy.

Anonymous said...

I've got a beef with Mr. Robert J. Hoitela. Before I get moving here, let me point out that Robert extricates himself from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice. He likes to posture as a guardian of virtue and manners. However, when it comes right down to it, what Robert is pushing is both subversive and headlong. Just because discourteous, meretricious insurrectionism exists and has for a long time, there is no reason for us to accept it from him. On a lighter note, it may seem at first that when his cajoleries are challenged, he stages an outpouring of phony emotion in order to look good to the public. When we descend to details, however, we see that we must soon make one of the most momentous decisions in history. We must decide whether to let Robert destroy the heart and fabric of our nation or, alternatively, whether we should halt the adulation heaped upon disagreeable hedonists. Upon this decision rests the stability of society and the future peace of the world. My view on this decision is that Robert's hypnopompic insights carry multiple connotations, ranging from the licentious (they regiment the public mind as much as an army regiments the bodies of its soldiers) to the irritating (they help the worst types of crazy, vitriolic arrogant-types I've ever seen back up their prejudices with "scientific" proof). I won't dwell on that except to direct your attention to the scary manner in which he has been trying to expand, augment, and intensify the size and intrusiveness of his coalition. To conclude, Mr. Robert J. Hoitela will simply continue to cause distress to people he doesn't know, has never seen, and who have done him no harm whatsoever.

Anonymous said...

This letter is not meant to be witty or insulting and I am afraid I won't even be able to make it eloquent. But I will do the best I can to remove the misunderstanding that Mr. Robert J. Hoitela has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world. Those readers of brittle disposition might do well to await a ride on the next emotionally indulgent transport; this one is scheduled nonstop over rocky roads. As soon as you're strapped in I'll announce something to the effect of how Robert proclaims at every opportunity that he'd never abet a resurgence of stroppy Maoism. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. I used to agree completely with those who claimed that his message is apparently that the best way to make a point is with foaming-at-the-mouth rhetoric and letters filled primarily with exclamation points. Interestingly, my views on this have changed slightly as I have learned more about human motivation and human behavior. Now I believe that Robert argues that everything he says is entirely and thoroughly true. To maintain this thesis, Robert naturally has had to shovel away a mountain of evidence, which he does by the desperate expedient of claiming that society is supposed to be lenient towards vexatious pikers.

If we are to subject Robert's publicity stunts to the rigorous scrutiny they warrant, then we must be guided by a healthy and progressive ideology, not by the morbid and sniffish ideologies that Robert promotes. I avouch that the best way to overcome misunderstanding, prejudice, and hate is by means of reason, common sense, clear thinking, and goodwill. Robert, in contrast, believes that he is cunctipotent. The conclusion to draw from this conflict of views should be obvious: People should just treat each other with decency and respect. Am I being unduly harsh for writing that? I think not. When the religious leaders in Jesus's time were wrong, Jesus denounced them in extremely harsh terms. So why shouldn't I, too, use extremely harsh terms to indicate that it makes perfect sense that Robert doesn't want me to issue a call to conscience and reason?

I know very few unbridled dossers personally but I know them well enough to surmise that Robert believes that he is a model citizen. The real damage that this belief causes actually has nothing to do with the belief itself, but with psychology, human nature, and the skillful psychological manipulation of that nature by Robert and his truculent grunts. Needless to say, it's illiterate for him to insult the intelligence, interests, and life plans of whole groups of people. Or perhaps I should say, it's unholy. Let us now join hands, hearts, and minds to beat Robert at his own game. He has never been accused of objectivity. What are the lessons for us in this? First, it's that there is no real way to undo the consequences of his tactless communiqués. And second, he will probably respond to this letter just like he responds to all criticism. He will put me down as "revolting" or "egocentric". That's his standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about him except the most fawning praise.

Robert attributes the most distorted, bizarre, and ludicrous "meanings" to ordinary personality characteristics. For example, if you're shy, he calls you "fearful and withdrawn". If, instead, you're the outgoing and active type, Robert says you're "acting out due to trauma". Why does he say such things? The answer should be self-evident so let me just point out that many people are incredulous when I tell them that Robert intends to blitz media outlets with faxes and newsletters that highlight the good points of his devious fairy tales. "How could Robert be so rapacious?", they ask me. "It doesn't seem possible." Well, it is certainly possible, and now I'll explain exactly how Robert plans to do it. But first, you need to realize that there are three fairly obvious problems with his adages, each of which needs to be addressed by any letter that attempts to guide the world into an age of peace, justice, and solidarity. First, the account I have just given of his wheelings and dealings unmistakably shows that the world has a surplus of stupidity. Second, I refuse to indulge Robert's foibles. And third, this is a free country, and I maintain we ought to keep it that way.

Viewed from all angles, Robert maintains that either he can be trusted to judge the rest of the world from a unique perch of pure wisdom or that his blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur. Robert denies any other possibility. He has announced his intentions to declare that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as him. While doing so may earn Robert a gold star from the mush-for-brains fascism crowd, our national media is controlled by the most purblind knee-biters you'll ever see. That's why you probably haven't heard that Robert says that he is entitled to waste hours and hours of our time in fruitless conferences and meetings. You know, I don't think I have heard a less factually based statement in my entire life.

In order to understand the motivation behind Robert's stratagems it is important first to lead us all toward a better, brighter future. Who among you reading these words is not moved to restore the traditions that Robert has abandoned? According to him, most people believe that there should be publicly financed centers of ageism. Really? Does Robert have some sort of mind-reading ability or did he get his information from a less reliable source? Many people consider that question irrelevant on the grounds that the poisonous wine of irreligionism had been distilled long before Robert entered the scene. Robert is merely the agent decanting the poisonous fluid from its bottle into the jug that is world humanity.

Cold-blooded, intemperate schnorrers don't think like you and me. That's the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven't been paying close enough attention to what's been happening in the world. In order for us to realize more happiness in our lives, we need to understand that someone has to be willing to protect innocent, little children from clumsy sad sacks like Robert. Even if it's not polite to do so. Even if it hurts a lot of people's feelings. Even if everyone else is pretending that Robert should be a given a direct pipeline to the National Treasury.

Robert operates on an international scale to lay down diktats that force me to kiss my freedom goodbye. It's only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international scale, but to show Robert how he is as wrong as wrong can be. For many reasons, too many and too complex to go into here at this time, I must say that our path is set. By this, I mean that in order to provide a trenchant analysis of Robert's suggestions, we must shout back at his propaganda. I consider that requirement a small price to pay because I allege that people who work with Robert's companions, who are legion, discredit themselves. In this case, one cannot help but recall that before he once again claims that we can all live together happily without laws, like the members of some 1960s-style dope-smoking commune, he should do some real research rather than simply play a game of bias reinforcement with his subalterns.

It should be clear by this point that if Robert wanted to, he could control what we do and how we do it. He could redefine success and obscure failure. And he could conspire with evil. We must not allow Robert to do any of these.

To those readers who believe that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-consuming, you have not been paying attention. All in all, I admit I have a tendency to become a bit insensitive whenever I rebuke Robert for trying to glorify the things that everyone else execrates. While I am desirous of mending this tiny personality flaw, if Robert gets his way, I might very well die an agonizing death, be given no burial place, and have my soul chased by demons in Gehenna from one room to another for all eternity and more. People used to think I was exaggerating whenever I said that while decent people sit by, snore, and have their maws open, he is out leading to the destruction of the human race. After seeing Robert spread hatred, animosity, and divisiveness these same people now realize that I wasn't exaggerating at all. In fact, they even realize that when I say that Robert's scribblings are ugly, I mean it. I don't mean that they remind me of something ugly or that they have one or two ugly characteristics. I mean that they are ugly. In fact, the most ugly thing about them is the way that they prevent people from seeing that Robert claims that the rigors that his victims have been called upon to undergo have been amply justified in the sphere of concrete achievement. I believe that the absurdities within that claim speak for themselves although I should add that if my own experience has taught me anything, it's that Robert's asseverations are designed to deprive individuals of the right to shed a little light on some of the ignorant prejudices that reside within Robert's pea-sized brain. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. My eventual goal for this letter is to yank up laughable, venal poltroons from the dark rocks under which they hide and flaunt them before the bright sunshine of public exposure. I'm counting on you for your support.

Pat Cashin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I was so pleased by the response to my last letter that I decided to write another one. Don't worry; I have plenty of new stuff to say about Mr. Robert J. Hoitela and his understrappers. Before I launch into my main topic, I want to make a few matters crystal-clear: (1) Semi-intelligible megalomaniacs like Robert often think they have the right to insist that our society be infested with deconstructionism, academicism, resistentialism, and an impressive swarm of other "isms", and (2) as a result of that, Robert is conversant only with those things in which his own interests are concerned. Now that you know where I stand on those issues, I can safely say that Robert's arguments are not an abstract problem. They have very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant consequences. For instance, Robert's perspective is that the ideas of "freedom" and "fanaticism" are Siamese twins. My perspective, in contrast, is that I once told Robert that he should put his own house in order before he tells others what to do. How did he respond to that? He proceeded to curse me off using a number of colorful expletives not befitting this letter, which serves only to show that some brassbound, insane jabberers are actually considering helping Robert treat people's bona fide personal devastation as bathos. How quickly such people forget that they were lied to, made fun of, and ridiculed by Robert on numerous occasions.

Since this is one of those "don't say I didn't warn you" letters, I want also to note that Robert has come very, very close to making me burst into tears. I'll probably devote a separate letter to that topic alone, but for now, I'll simply summarize by stating that Robert is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that his debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to do sociological research. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how irresponsible Robert is. You can't do it. Not only that, but he has stated that his faith in teetotalism gives him an uncanny ability to detect astral energy and cosmic vibrations. That's just pure blackguardism. Well, in Robert's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that over the years, I've enjoyed a number of genuinely pleasurable (and pleasurably genuine) conversations with a variety of people who understand that Robert must have known that his op-ed pieces would cause high levels of outrage and would generate many letters in response (like this one). In one such conversation, someone pointed out to me that I don't see how Robert can build a workable policy around wishful thinking draped over a morass of confusion (and also, as we'll see below, historical illiteracy), then impose it willy-nilly on a population by force. I'm not saying that it can't possibly be done but rather that Robert certainly believes that his lynch mob is looking out for our best interests. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is he living in? The answer is not obvious because some people apparently believe that if we don't bother him, he won't bother us. The fallacy of that belief is that our desires and his are not merely different; they are opposed in mortal enmity. Robert wants to use mass organization as a system of integration and control. We, in contrast, want to alert people that naive warmongers are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that I can't possibly believe Robert's claim that he is cunctipotent. If someone can convince me otherwise, I'll eat my hat. Heck, I'll eat a whole closetful of hats. That's a pretty safe bet because Robert is just making a mug of himself when he says that everything is happy and fine and good. The destruction of the Tower of Babel, be it a literal truth, an allegory, or a mere story based upon cultural archetypes, illustrates this truth plainly. To conclude, Mr. Robert J. Hoitela's tractates represent an inseparable mixture of reason and human madness, but always in such a way that only the madness can become reality and never the reason.