Tuesday, September 01, 2009

NBC Chicago : Early Morning Jerkass

What does the "N" in "N Files" stand for? "Not funny"?

I'm a little confused here because little mister Ryan Seacrest School of Cool here is such taking such pains to come off as "with it" and "hip" but The X Files was a show that ended its run on the Fox network seven long years ago. What were the other "capturing the zeitgeist" choices he came up with for naming this segment? "Everybody Loves Clips?" "Mad About Clips"? "CLiPS"? "The Donna Reed Show"?

Do you know what "terrifies" me and "robs me of my innocence"?

Overly smarmy metrosexuals who try too hard to pass themselves off as hipper-than-thou, post-ironic news commentators taking lame, cliched potshots at easy targets in the wee hours of the early morning before the real Today Show actually starts.

It's the early morning local news, monkey-boy! Learn to play the game and make with nothing more than the weather, traffic and "happy chat" and save up all that genre-defying, envelope-pushing, razor sharp snark for your audition reel for one of the 10,000 versions of The Soup currently flailing around on basic cable.

I watch Joel McHale. I enjoy Joel McHale. Joel McHale makes me laugh. You sir, are no Joel McHale.

If this clip is any indicator of your wit, it serves as a crystal clear explanation as to why you are on in Chicago at four in the morning. I would strongly suggest that you spend a little less money on wardrobe and getting your eyebrows waxed at the salon and open yourself a savings account. I am sure that you could use the free toaster oven and the money will come handy in a few short years when you are teaching improv comedy at Waukegan Community College.


Anonymous said...

what a bastard how dare yo say clowns rob children of their innocence you suck rob elgas you suck!!!

Anonymous said...

I think I'm gonna go have a talk with them, they might be the reason Chicagoland's birthday clowning businesses have been going under. I'll sue him for Defamation of Character.

Thanks for the Lawsuit,
Kyle Barker

Tommy Moore said...

It's the cynicism, sarcasm, and snark of this "reporter's" commentary that rob people of their innocence...and I think that the "N" stands for Nihilism...when you tear down things that are good, that's where you are leading.

Brian Foley said...

Just wondering: how do you feel about overly smarmy metrosexuals who are mostly bald clowns in white tie and tails?

Pat Cashin said...

To the surprise of absolutely no one, I like them quite a bit.

In fact, I feel they could stand to be even more metrosexual. Have you and Matthew ever considered D&G sunglasses, L'Oreal Ultimate bronzer and matching Gucci alligator fannypacks?

We should so go shopping!!!

Anonymous said...

dont forget the infamous of not knowing your shirt is somewhat tuck in front of your belt buckle I dont get that oh and btw you still suck rob elgas

Anonymous said...


clownron said...

He probably gets up no later than 2am to do his gig at 4am. That means he is SLEEPING when just about anything relevant is happening... they should just post his twitter responses... they probably have more personality.